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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  July 29, 2011 7:25pm-8:00pm PDT

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>> that's our show. join us next week. let's do it at 11:00. here it is, your moment of zen. >> a lot of what you are talking about is about act 2 america. we asked for-- -- picked that up one and it made a -- >> captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh captioning sponsored by comedy central
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( theme song playing ) ( applause ) stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: wow, welcome to the report. thank you so much! i got to tell you-- (cheers and applause) i tell you, folks, i-- i love that so much. i could hear it twice a night. nation, the debt ceiling debate drags on and on and frankly both parties have been acting like children. with the republicans saying gimme, gimme, gimme and the democrats saying take it, take it, take it, just don't
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hit me it is causing problems for both parties. yesterday john mccain attack the tea party for their naivete. >> the idea seems to be that if a house gop refuses to raise the debt ceiling a default crisis or gradual government shutdown will ensue and the public will turn en masse against barack obama and the tea party hobbits could return to middle earth having defeated mordor. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: then-- then mark meckler of the tea party patriots said of mccain clearly mccain has been corrupted by the ring of power. i got to say-- (cheers and applause) i have got to say i am disappointed. this is a monumental issue that could affect the economy for a generation of americans. four days until the country could default and these clowns in washington are using the lord of the rings to say that john mccain is
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sauron, that is ridiculous, mccain is clearly saru mann. there he is. look, he lights up. he lights up s that not awesome? okay, now you see, saruman is in league with sauron back here, all right. he's in league with sauron who is actually obama, okay. and the hobbit, the hobbits aren't the tea party, the hobbits are cantor-- kantor and boehner, okay, and let's say lieberman just on appearances. and gandalf is the tea party right here, okay. you shall not pass legislation raising the debt ceiling! (cheers and applause) and then mccain is all-- ,-- the
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cave troll is, i don't foe but it's awesome. let's say nancy pelosi, i don't know. and oh, i also have a pinball machine over there, lord of the rings pinball machine. it's a limited edition and that is the american people. and the american people are really fun, oh, one more thing. and this, of course, is aragon's sword anduril, flame given to me about viggo mortensen. now this has nothing to do with the metaphor. i just want to remind everyone that i have this. (laughter) okay? (cheers and applause) >> stephen: all right. and of course, of course i would be-- the point is i
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get comparing the debt crisis to the lord of the rings. they both have elaborate plots, more characters than you can keep track of, and talking about both of them repels girls. (laughter) nation, stay sauron, stay. nation, 29 days ago colbert superpac began its mission of making a better tomorrow tomorrow. and that mission is as important now now as it was then then. we have received donations from over 10,000 nameless heroes whose names are right down here. but i want to salute two new members of the colbert youth corps who sent me this letter. they scribble dear stephen cole better the first time we saw you you were the assistance sports psychologist for the u.s. speed skating team giving advice to a skater's butt.
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our parents record your show and let us watch the best parts. the letter concludes, thank you for reading this. have a great summer sincerely charlie, 10, and grace 8. ps, we collected money for your superpac. (cheers and applause) and here it is. $13. (cheers and applause) you know, folks, sometimes you forget why you do what you do. (laughter) here it is. it's for the children that i want to receive unlimited monies that can then be used to tamper with the 2012 elections. so nation, it is time time to make an addition to the crawl of heroes, let's freeze the crawl.
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jimmy, put them in. and fire it back up. thank you. thank you, charlie and grace. this part here is adorable. they want to do a lemonade stand for the super-pac. they write mom says we can't do a lemonade stand for it until you decide what the super-pac stands for. so let us know. (laughter) well, that's easy. it stands for freedom, and liberty, and freeberty.
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how should i know what it stands for. all i know is that citizens united said that unlimited money is unlimited speech so you i formed the super-pac and people are handing me money, no questions asked. now i got this huge money mouse. i'm supposed to think about what it says. i don't think about what i say. -- don't like peanut butter what does that mean, i don't know. my mouth said it and then i made up t-shirts with pac money. (applause) we'll have these for sale later on the web site. oh my god i'm letting these children down. >> ah! >> i hope this is the part their parents don't let them watch. get it together, colbert. get it together. we're faced with a heady decision, just turn to the man with the most head. karl rove. karl is the founder of the country's largest superpac, american crossroads.
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unfortunately, i couldn't reach karl rove. i can never quite draw the pent gram-- pentagram right. so instead please welcome the next best thing to karl rove, a pair of glasses on a ham loaf. (cheers and applause) the best part of having ham rove on, my pac can write it off as both a political consultant and catering. ham rove, thank you for joining us. karl, now that i've got a pac, what should i do? (laughter) >> stephen: you know what? he's shy. i'll tell you what. we'll discuss this later. over dinner. luckily i have another guest even better than karl rove. please welcome abc news
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political analyst and chief strategist for george w. bush's 2004 re-election campaign, matthew dowd. matthew, thank you so much. all right. matthew (cheers and applause) matthew, these kids want to know what i stand for, okay. what do pacs usually stand for like americans for prosperity, what do they stand for? >> well, it could be taxes, there's lower taxes. it could be change the laws on health-care reform. it's any number of issues but you have to stick it out. you can't just stick your finger in the wind. >> stephen: where should i stick my finger because if it will help raise money i can think of a few places. >> that may be between you and your significant other. >> stephen: okay. or my significant donor. because like karl rove and americans for prosperity they've got these billionaires who bankroll them, right. >> yeah, well, millionaires
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and some average people but a lot of rich people. >> stephen: average billionaires so, do those billionaires help set the agenda? >> obviously they're part of it and they're influential in the process. but if somebody really, like you stands for something, they're not going to be influenced by money. sometimes the money has influence in the process. >> stephen: here is the thing is, i don't-- i don't-- i don't have like millionaires or billionaires, i only have these people. (cheers and applause) >> and that's ultimately more power than the billionaires. >> stephen: okay, okay. well, i tell you what. why don't i ask you people what you stand for and then colbert superpac will stand for that. okay, i'll tell you what. everybody is a member of colbert superpac and if you are not go to colbert we will send an e-mail or go to superpac and click on, i stand for, and that will take to you a page where you
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can write in what you stand for and we'll have those results next week, okay? sound like a good idea? (cheers and applause) >> great idea, great idea. >> stephen: now okay. now once i figure out what i stand for what do the pacs do? >> well, one of the things once you have money that you are raising very well and you figure out what you stand for, you want to communicate what your message is. >> stephen: i want to turn that money into speech. >> you want to turn that money into speech whether it is candidate speech, a person speaking or television ads which are an effective means of communicating your message and i would suggest, if i were advising you-- . >> stephen: are you advising me? >> no, i think i'm going to keep my day job, thank you. >> stephen: okay, all right. if you were advising me what would you advise? >> i would put together some ads that represent what you want to communicate to the voters. and then figure out great places to put those. >> stephen: can these be just about issues or just about people? >> it can be any number of things. you can do an ad that is straight on an issue. if you wanted to put an ad about taxes or whatever it happened to be, or it could be an ad for or against somebody. >> stephen: should i go
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negative on people? >> if you have something to say that's negative about something else and it's true t should be true, what you say, then i would, you know, go where your heart goes. >> stephen: my mom always said, you know, if you don't have anything nice to say, you better back it up with a lot of money. (laughter) >> where should i run those ads. is there any battleground coming up? >> right now in my view because of the a.m.s straw vote happening in a couple of weeks, i would go to iowa because that is where a lot of people will be covering, the media, candidates trying to win that straw vote that is where i would do the ads n eye iowa. >> stephen: so if i was going to be a player, make my mark in iowa. >> yeah, if you want to be a player, make your mark in iowa. >> stephen: whatever that means. or playa. (laughter) thank you so much, matthew dowd, abc news political analyst.
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analyst. and my advisor, matthew vo: this is cheryl. this is her four-year-old computer she doesn't think she needs to update. so to show her what she's missing, we built a pc store in her house. cheryl: oh my gosh! employee: what do you say we go shopping? cheryl: this one's very cool. cheryl: where's the tower for this? employee: everything is right here. cheryl: oh stop! cheryl: okay... alright... employee: flip that screen around. very light-weight! employee: 500gb hard drive. cheryl: i like the dvr thing... i like this one. vo: new pc in the house. cheryl: i'm a pc, and i'm finally up to date.
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♪ ♪ ♪ grey goose. world's best tasting vodka.
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>> stephen: welcome back everybody. my guest tonight the former democratic governor of the louisiana who is now a republican candidate for president, i better get to the interview table before he becomes a federalist. please welcome buddy roemer. (cheers and applause) governor, good to see you, please, sit down. >> a federalist, huh. >> stephen: well, i don't know. you were a democrat then you became a republican. >> i can see like lincoln, a wig, dinner republican. you have to be flexible, steve. >> stephen: all right, speaking of flexible we have a couple issues to deal with before we start the interview. >> all right. >> stephen: i have a federal superpac. and my lawyer trevor potter who turns out is also your lawyer trevor potter has warned us that i can in no way coordinate with you.
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i can't discuss your campaign plans prorx swrekts, activities or feeds so no one can accuse us of working together. i may be a high priced call girl but i'm not offering my services. got it? >> the deeper the plot the more he lash rate the rules but we'll follow them. >> stephen: the audience may want to know some of your ideas about how you plan to run in iowa or elsewhere. i can't know about them. if at some point you start talking about them i'll put on the cone of silence. okay. >> sounds good. >> stephen: now you're a four term congressman, former governor of louisiana. >> right. >> stephen: why dow want to run for president? do you just think the country is in such great shape, let me get the reign? (laughter) >> all my life i have studied economics and history and proud to be an american. i think our country's in trouble. we're giving our jobs away. and special interest on washington d.c. what i have done to control
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the money is decide to take no pac money, especially yours. >> stephen: what? no pac money. >> i'm the only candidate running that is the same way i ran for congress. that's the same way i ran for governor. i take no pac money. a hundred dollar limit and full disclosure. >> wait, wait, wait. >> a hundred dollar limit. >> stephen: okay. the supreme court said in citizens united that money is speech. and by only taking $100 are you saying to your followers, shhh i don't want to hear what you have to say. okay, daddy's busy. stop talking. >> money is speech. i have no problem with that. the constitution protects it. but i have the god given and constitutional right as to who i listen to. i will not listen to the special interests with the big checks. i will listen-- (applause) i will listen to americans with $100, $5 or zero
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dollars who have an idea about how to build a better country. i will not put up with the special interests. i call them hogs in the trov and we're going to kick them out. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: all right. hogs in the trough. i happen to love the taste of bacon and they're welcome to my tr rock ugh any time. okay what would a president buddy, and i have to say, that's got a ring to it what does a president buddy do about the debt ceiling? do you let it laps? >> no, you meet your obligations. i mean the president ought to tell the world that we're going to meet our obligations. and he needs to lead. one of the jobs of a president is to protect america, including its workforce. and we are getting beat up by unfair trade. you know that. >> stephen: i do know that.
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sometimes i do ten shows a week, four of them broadcast, the other six shipped over to india. (laughter) >> stephen: okay. we have to take a little break. we'll be back with more. governor buddy roemer
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within welcome back. we return with more from governor buddy roemer who say republican candidate for president. now sir you say you don't like pacs. i with i have found that
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donors to pacs are some of the most intelligent, beautiful and or handsome people in america. you keep the donations to what, what is the limb snit. >> $100. >> stephen: but sir. >> $100. >> stephen: got to get that in there. no, i respect that. i respect that. but $100, $100 from 300 million americans is only $30 billion. how you can expect to run for president -- >> all i need is a million americans. if i can get a million americans to stand up to the right thing against the big checks, we win. one million. >> stephen: okay. let's talk about standing up for the right thing. are you going to iowa, are you on the ballot in ames. >> i am not. >> stephen: why aren't you on the ballot? >> it's called $15,000, that is the price of having a booth to participate in the kbal ot. and i love iowa. i'm a farmer, i'm a cotton
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farmer. it's the way i grew up. they're farmers there. i love going to get the vote but i do not have the pac money required to make that sort of investment. >> stephen: okay. now here's the problem. we're getting into dangerous territory. because you need help in iowa and i can't plan to help you, okay. so i would like you to tell the people out there what kind of help you need in iowa. >> all right. >> stephen: and the kind of message would you like to give to the iowans but legally i can't hear it so while you talk i will be putting on the cone of silence. >> oh, man. >> stephen: okay. (cheers and applause) what i want to you do is i want to you hit the play button, hit the play button right there before you start talking. >> before i start, okay. (laughter)
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>> i need plain people in iowa. i need people, i need people who farm, i need small businesspeople, i need people who want to build roads, i need every people in iowa. i don't need the fat cats. i need every plain, hardworking people. i need republicans, i need independents, i need them all. (laughter) i think you can listen now, stephen. >> stephen: say that again. just tap it, grandpa. (laughter) now legally i can go home
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and watch the show tonight and hear you what said. >> you can do that. >> stephen: i just couldn't be here with you plan. >> so we can communicate. >> stephen: no. we cannot communicate. you communicated with them, and later tonight i will hear what you said. >> i got you. >> stephen: does that make sense. >> makes no sense at all. >> stephen: me either. buddy roemer, thank you so much for joining-- joining me. (cheers and applause) governor buddy roemer, vo: this is cheryl.
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this is her four-year-old computer she doesn't think she needs to update. so to show her what she's missing, we built a pc store in her house. cheryl: oh my gosh! employee: what do you say we go shopping? cheryl: this one's very cool. cheryl: where's the tower for this? employee: everything is right here. cheryl: oh stop! cheryl: okay... alright... employee: flip that screen around. very light-weight! employee: 500gb hard drive. cheryl: i like the dvr thing... i like this one. vo: new pc in the house. cheryl: i'm a pc, and i'm finally up to date.
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>> stephen: that's it for the report. good night. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh
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[applause] >> thank you. alright. that's a shame. he may have screwed up the dive, but he looks fantastic in a speedo. [laughter] that's the problem with our show. if you see a sexy italian guy on a diving board, you know it's not going to go well. [laughter] but what you couldn't see is that he's a synchronized diver and the guy next to him did the exact same thing. [laughter] can we see the wide shot? [laughter] >> yeah. looks like china will be diving for second. [laughter] >> welcome to tosh.0. i'm your host, lane kiffin. [laughter] >> people on-line say i look like him.